It seems really strange to imagine that just two months ago I was 10,000 miles away. 10,000 miles away from my mother, my friends, and everything I have grown to know of as home. It was a mere two months ago that I flew home in a daze to say my final goodbye to my mother, my god how the time flew. I find it incredibly hard to believe that two months ago my mother's life rested somewhere between tangibility and nothingness, but the truth of the matter is that in these past two months I have been given a second chance to show her just how important she is to me, she on the other hand has been given a second chance to live, to love, and to thrive.
     A few days ago one of my brothers, one of my sisters, and I met with the staff at the nursing home that is taking care of my mom, we sat down in a quiet room with the door closed and talked about the next stage, it was in that room with the door closed that we were told that if her rapid recuperation persisted, that she would be able to go home in time for her birthday (which is March 25th). I have never in my life felt a larger weight lifted off of my shoulders!  I feel as though life may actually be able to continue on as normal, rather than just hanging out in this stagnant place that harbors dark, dreary days and unsure outcomes. Also, it seems important to note that spring is knocking, and that soon enough the sun will shine!

There are those people in life that get off on watching you fail, it makes them feel good about themselves when they know that there are other miserable people out there. To those negative miserable people I say a big SCREW YOU! I am barely hanging on most days, and the fact that the moment you see your opportunity you don't think twice before swooping right in and cutting the proverbial thread that is my patience and sanity, well that makes me angry! You can steal my thunder if it makes you happy, but c'mon with it when it is my feelings, that is just wrong. I do my damndest to try and be the most ethical and moral person possible, I may have my moments (hell even days) of bitterness, but usually those are are just that, MOMENTS! i try and tell myself that people that act like this do it because they have issues with themselves, but HOT DAMN, some days enough is enough! Thanks for listenin' to the bitchin'.
xoxoxoxoxo
Nicole

Dear Readers, this is a blog of different sorts, this is a blog about teenage infidelity and adult tendencies. While it is not overly PG, I do believe that perhaps it is a bit more risque than the norm...that being said, a shout-out to all of my NK sisters (especially the RG girls)
(I feel as though I should clarify for all of my nk sisters out there, I am simply in the midst of a Jordan tendency, these come and go, but rest assured Mr. Wood remains my main squeeze throughout all of this!) Now on to the good stuff.....
Dear Mr Knight,
I just thought you should know that your falsetto makes me think dirty thoughts, and your steps to Give it to You kinda make squirm. The way you move is almost enough to make me forget the pedo-stash from the Face the Music years, and the rat tail (OMG the rat tail), I say almost, because the rest of it is made up for in the way you handle yourself in humorous situations, your adorable dimples and shy laugh, all I can say is mmmmmmmmmmmmm!!!!!!
     If given the chance to spend an hour alone with you, I would most likely have to decline the invitation, as it is uncertain how I would react when I saw you up close or god forbid smell your cologne ( I am not 100% sure that my boyfriend would appreciate bailing me out of jail, and while they say that that's what friends are for I truly believe that mine would encourage such behavior).So there you have it,I am absolutely ok with living here in my little fantasy world in which all of the NK's fight over me not only because of my good looks, but because of my brilliance (ahahahahahahaha), where I can have an NK for each day of the week, concert tickets are front row and free, Covergirl is whispered in my ear on a regular basis, and cupcakes are had by all!
  

     I don't remember much before the age of five or so (as many don't I am sure). But from that time on, the memories come to me like a flood, the sun-soaked days spent building  "girls only" club houses in the front yard, the games of Simon Says with the neighbors mom in which I always lost, the disaster of a lemonade stand that turned no profits but was a great learning experience. Those truly were the days! It was in those days that I learned the value of friendship, what cucumbers tasted like with salt, and that no matter how much I thought I was, that I wasn't really a rebel at all. The rebel years came much later, when I learned how to hold a cigarette, do a lemon drop shot, and live with the consequences of both.
     It was in those early years that the most crucial aspects of my personality were formed. In that time, I was taught many lessons.....
Be kind to all : this lesson was learned due to the childish and catty behavior that the neighbor boy and I showed to the kid down the road. I look back now and wonder how I thought it possible to pick on somebody that had no defense, that had no boy next door standing by his side backing him and spewing forth the childish taunts and sharp words that I did. I too was picked on as a child, but who wasn't? And excuses such as that are no excuse to release your aggression on an innocent bystander. I can honestly say now that while I look back on that situation with regret heavy in my heart, that I do my damnedest to show kindness and generosity in equal measure to everyone I come across, after all we are all human, we are all in this together.
Value your relationship with your parents: Although in my teenage years, I decided that my parents sole purpose was to make my life hell (what angst I held) I knew before then and learned further later that this couldn't have been farther from the truth. My parents wanted nothing but good things for me, as most parents do; but you could have sworn on a pack of Marlboros during my teenage years that they were only trying to look out for me and I would have rolled my eyes and spat some sort of catty remark out as though it were my job. Here I sit years later, looking back on my teenage years minus one parent and the other on the brink of here and gone, and I can tell you from the depths of my being what it means to appreciate them. I appreciate every word I am capable of sharing, every lingering hug and forehead kiss, because from where I stand today, I can see the end, and while I know it is inevitable I want to face it with an open heart and quiet understanding.
Don't love the first boy that you fall for (on second thought, DO love the first boy you fall for): If you know me quite well, then you know the name of my first love, if not I am not going to use his name because I am not capable of contacting him for permission, but we will call him Ben. I met Ben when I was sixteen, and he quickly became my world, we were each others worlds quite honestly, we revolved around each other and depended on each other for every last breath. This kind of love I understand now is smothering and codependent, but man at sixteen, seventeen, eighteen, and part of nineteen it felt glorious ! I had a boy that wanted ME and only me, and he LOVED me. I was the luckiest girl in my high school, he waited patiently everyday for me out front of that school,in his pseudo-station wagon, with a smile on his face and tendrils of long hair in his eyes, ready to head out and see what sort of adventure we could find or trouble we could cause. It was through him that I was able to gain the basic concept of what love is, it was also through that I was able to know what it felt like to be completely smothered and feel the flame of lust and adoration snuffed out slowly and painfully. My god did it hurt at the time, to see him hurt so bad and know that I caused it,but looking back I am incredibly grateful for the roller coaster of emotions that I felt back then, good or bad, I felt alive, I felt alive without consequence, and never again will I be able to say that. So yes, go ahead and fall stupid head over heels in adoration and drooling puppy love, because you will never feel that again, it is a one time reserved feeling!
Appreciate your friendships: It is true and it is sad that friendships fade from high school into adulthood, and as much as it sucks, it is a fact of life.I have to say that when it comes to this subject I have been exceptionally lucky, the friend dearest to me has been dear to me since birth, she was born about two years after me. We were reared together, we had nicknames together, we share blood, she is my niece. It was always fun trying to describe this situation to people that didn't understand our family, so most of the time we chose to just understand each other. She and I by every definition grew up together, we were in may instances closer than sisters, and also at times worst enemies, we went long periods of time not speaking and holding grudges (which we both excel at), but here we are today, women! Women that have come to know heartbreak as well as pure joy, women that have traveled and ventured, women that have overcome obstacles others doubted, women!  I cannot speak for my her, but she is very much a part of me, we may live miles and miles apart and not even speak everyday, we may work in totally opposite spectrum's of the career world, we may be as different as two people could possibly be, but I appreciate her for what she has shown me, allowed me to understand, and for being my friend, I appreciate her for the childhood memories I hold so dear (as well as the one's I wish to forget) I appreciate her!
You are never too old to watch cartoons and eat cereal out of the biggest bowl in the house: It's all about the inner child, I am not sure that I have yet grasped this concept, but I am well on my way. I have recently come to the conclusion that regression may not be healthy, but appreciating the unrestricted freedom of a Saturday morning, work nonexistent, and obligation only to the remote control, that is healthy!!! God those were the days, the days when I would wake up early just to watch cartoons with commercial introductions sung in the catchy "After these messages we'll be riiiight back" tune, eating fruit loops or whatever sugar high of a cereal was on hand at the time, those mornings when I felt completely free and had no idea at the time that that was freedom. I will never be able to recreate those mornings, but man reliving the memory sure brings back a rush (or maybe that is from the cereal).
You always think you know more than you do:  From what I can tell, this will be true your whole life (exhibit A. this whole list), you will always assume that because we are such worldly creatures, that we know almost everything. We know a little bit about a lot of things, but as far as massive mind blowing, life altering epiphanies go, we don't really know jack. It feels good to believe that we are shedding light on the life of someone else, with wisdom from our own, but really, honestly, it is self fulfilling. I don't mean this in a derrogatory way, just that as simply as I can put it, we always think we know more than we do, and good for us, it is good to believe something.
 xoxoxoxoxo
Nicole

       Here's the deal, I no longer reside in a foreign country worthy of blogs about homesickness and weather, which is why I began this blog, but I would like to continue maintaining it. I know that it is a small circle of peeps that follow it, and I would like to know what you want to read. I want to write to entertain those kind enough to drop by every now and then, and hopefully through reaching out and writing about what people want to read I can reach out to more and more people and get read more and more which would be awesome. So to those of you that have been kind enough to read, please comment and tell me what it is you want to hear about and I will do everything in my power to keep you informed and entertained.
xoxoxoxoxoxoxo
Nicole