If the fictional scenarios of insecure people were to really come true, hearts would be broken. Why is it that we are so demeaning and neglectful of ourselves? If I were to treat ANY other person the way I internally treat myself, I would have no friends or acquaintances, and would more than likely have a black eye or two! Some of things that I accuse myself of are downright stupid, some of the things i say to myself are terribly mean, and at the end of every day, I take all of this rejection, bottle it up and put it under my pillow as I sleep.
Even as I sit here writing about being a negative influence on myself, I do so with a condescending tone, I am my own worst frenemy! I care far too much about other peoples opinions of me, when really they are not the ones that will in the end cause my downfall, oh no, that trophy will be handed down by yours truly!
I am in a constant state of self discovery, always searching for the missing piece (surely there has to be a missing piece),no puzzle is complete until all of the pieces are securely tightened into their designated little spaces cozily nestled amongst one another, and aren't we all puzzles? Biological cryptograms, would I be correct in saying that people in general are just that (or is that just me being dramatic again? I do have a flair for that)? Perhaps I am giving myself and our very own human race far too much credit here, maybe, we really are simple creatures. Creatures of habit, repetitive by nature, deeming us all obvious, in which case what the hell kind of puzzle piece is it I am looking for, at this point I have probably lost it, found it, and replaced it at least a thousand times (think tail chasing dog).
After having just hit a milestone birthday, I find myself feeling very existential. I have just come to the realization that I am not indeed immortal (gasp). I am having a really hard time coming to terms with this, I always knew that death was inevitable, I watched it first hand with my father and am watching it with my mother, but realizing that I, (ME!) am going to die...talk about mind blown!!! However many days, months, or if I am lucky enough years that I have on my stopwatch can not possibly be enough time to thoroughly enjoy and investigate EVERYTHING! There is so much that I will never see or understand. I now know exactly what Louis Armstrong meant in What a Wonderful World when he sang "I hear babies cry, I watch them grow...They'll learn much more than I'll ever know". However this does not make me realize what a wonderful world it is, it makes me envious that when I am dust there will be people out there experiencing the things that I longed for, but my clock ran out before I got the chance. I know that this all sounds very selfish, but I cannot help but be honest here.
Amongst all of this philosophical jibber jabber is the underlying topic of religion, "embracing God, and looking forward to heaven", problem is (disclaimer: I do not seek to offend anyone I respect everyone the same regardless of religious preferences) even though I was very thoroughly raised a Catholic (I'm talking 11 years of catholic school and church twice a week) religion just doesn't sit right with me anymore. I am not going to go into depth, but my beliefs have waned, and the fact that once I die I will just cease to exist, is a hard pill to swallow!
You have jut been taken on a ride through the roller coaster that is my mind, I apologize for the scatterbrained nature of all of this, however I am just coming off of nearly a years worth of incredibly frustrating writer's block, and this was very cathartic for me! If you made it this far, thank you dearly for reading, it does mean a lot to me!
Even as I sit here writing about being a negative influence on myself, I do so with a condescending tone, I am my own worst frenemy! I care far too much about other peoples opinions of me, when really they are not the ones that will in the end cause my downfall, oh no, that trophy will be handed down by yours truly!
I am in a constant state of self discovery, always searching for the missing piece (surely there has to be a missing piece),no puzzle is complete until all of the pieces are securely tightened into their designated little spaces cozily nestled amongst one another, and aren't we all puzzles? Biological cryptograms, would I be correct in saying that people in general are just that (or is that just me being dramatic again? I do have a flair for that)? Perhaps I am giving myself and our very own human race far too much credit here, maybe, we really are simple creatures. Creatures of habit, repetitive by nature, deeming us all obvious, in which case what the hell kind of puzzle piece is it I am looking for, at this point I have probably lost it, found it, and replaced it at least a thousand times (think tail chasing dog).
After having just hit a milestone birthday, I find myself feeling very existential. I have just come to the realization that I am not indeed immortal (gasp). I am having a really hard time coming to terms with this, I always knew that death was inevitable, I watched it first hand with my father and am watching it with my mother, but realizing that I, (ME!) am going to die...talk about mind blown!!! However many days, months, or if I am lucky enough years that I have on my stopwatch can not possibly be enough time to thoroughly enjoy and investigate EVERYTHING! There is so much that I will never see or understand. I now know exactly what Louis Armstrong meant in What a Wonderful World when he sang "I hear babies cry, I watch them grow...They'll learn much more than I'll ever know". However this does not make me realize what a wonderful world it is, it makes me envious that when I am dust there will be people out there experiencing the things that I longed for, but my clock ran out before I got the chance. I know that this all sounds very selfish, but I cannot help but be honest here.
Amongst all of this philosophical jibber jabber is the underlying topic of religion, "embracing God, and looking forward to heaven", problem is (disclaimer: I do not seek to offend anyone I respect everyone the same regardless of religious preferences) even though I was very thoroughly raised a Catholic (I'm talking 11 years of catholic school and church twice a week) religion just doesn't sit right with me anymore. I am not going to go into depth, but my beliefs have waned, and the fact that once I die I will just cease to exist, is a hard pill to swallow!
You have jut been taken on a ride through the roller coaster that is my mind, I apologize for the scatterbrained nature of all of this, however I am just coming off of nearly a years worth of incredibly frustrating writer's block, and this was very cathartic for me! If you made it this far, thank you dearly for reading, it does mean a lot to me!
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