It is nights like tonight that I understand her insomnia. I think, and I do believe that I am right, but I think that she never ever had insomnia. I think that night was just her time, her time to regress, her time to be anything other than any label ever gave her. She was a mother; by nature, some may argue, but that is where she prevailed.
Regardless, here I find myself, wide awake in the hours that most should be sleeping; her hours. I spent so many countless nights wondering what she did so late at night, all alone...I would sneak down and peer, but only now do I realize that she was doing nothing...and nothing to her was her time. She watched M.A.S.H., did crossword puzzles, and only after she died did I realize it, she dreamed!
She wrote elaborate thoughts out on the backs of notepads illustrations included. She was a steady dreamer, she knew what she had, but always grasped for more...there, right there is me.
It is hard not to draw on the coincidences of such things when after all genes are passed down right?
There is so much of her in me it scares me. The way I laugh, my mannerisms (which I am constantly reminded are hers), my constant longing...
Now I left you just there thinking that I want/need more, and that couldn't be farther from the the truth...I will never lie, I always want more, I always want things in tip top shape, however I also know that what I have currently is far better than anything I could wish for. I think the same was true for her, take it or leave it.
Life is silly, stupid, down right dumb sometimes, that is it.
Tonight, for some reason tonight I feel clarity. There are 365 days in a year but tonight is the first night since I have lost my mom that I have written anything of substance. I wrote the eulogy that I read at her visitation, and it didn't dawn on me until just now that aside from the occasional snippet here and there I haven't written anything of substance since then. I think, and it is hard for me to admit, but I think it may be that though she died in January I am just now coming to terms with the real loss, with the hole that has been left, that the place in which her phone calls and nurturing words once were I am filling all on my own. It is so hard, near unbearable not to share with her all that I have found over the last year. She would have loved Cole, not even just Cole, Dom. I just know that if she were here she would be content in knowing that she didn't have to worry about me, that I am taken care of. She would be elated to know that I am loved and not only am I loved but I am given the opportunity to love just as much as I receive, to know that while I may be taken care of that my love is reciprocal.
This last year has been turbulent to say the least, I could say that about the last 31 years really, but this last year...has really thrown me for a loop. I have been loved before, hell I am the baby of 9 kids, but this last year I have grown to understand genuine love. I am by no means looking to be cheesy here, but when you find that love...you just know. It is forgiving and accepting, it accepts you through your best and worst. I mean this...I have been extremely lucky, I push and push, I am unlovable at times, but those times are received with a kiss on the forehead...those times he sees right through me and knows that I need that extra hug or just to hear those three simple words.
In all honesty I am feeling a bit cheesy tonight, but that is only because every day gets a little lighter. I am by all means what you may call a pessimist, the other shoe always has to have some place to drop, that is my MO....I wait and expect the worst, but it is getting really tiring constantly running around dodging bullets. I just want to appreciate what I do have, I can lament and redesign my life as it "could have been" or live by the "if onlys" but frankly that particular way of thinking is giving me wrinkles!
I sit here typing this thinking of my mom, and my life today, listening to Johnny Mathis singing "Love is a many splendid thing" and I cant help but think that if ever there was a unison, now would be it.
Just some rambling that has been stuck inside for a while, but in all honesty I feel as though by typing these feelings, by giving them tangibility I am somehow lighter. If you read all of this I appreciate the time that it took to make it to the end, and if you didn't...well then I probably still like you anyway.
I am stuck. I want nothing more than to sit here and type out the musings of my everyday life, however I fear that once I let life know that I am happy, content, great even, that it will give me the old reality kick to the head.Truth is, that while this year has brought so much grief, with it has also come so much understanding. So much realization that sometimes things fall apart for a reason.
Losing my mom this year by far weighs more heavily on my shoulders than anything else. however I have to say, that while I fully expected myself to become a bumbling mess of nothingness when she passed, I have been nothing of the sort. I miss her so damned much, I long for her words of, comfort, but I also know that this longing is only natural. Missing these things is part of the cycle of losing a loved one, a natural part of of grief, you may shed that person's presence, however all of the laughs, tears, hugs, and kisses become a part of you. It is in those moments, those memories in which she became a part of me; I used to scoff at the physical traits of hers that I had acquired, all the while not realizing that it wasnt just her nose and chin that she handed down to me, but also her thirst for knowledge, not just of the trivial sort, but a thirst for understanding. I long to know why people are who they are, why we do and say the things we do, because of her, I always try and put myself in the other persons shoes before making any assumptions, because of her I know how much of a difference it makes to hold the door for a stranger, that a smile can go oh so far, and that if nothing else always being genuine is of utmost importance We all have a genuine self, we may try and cover it up, pretend that we dont recognize it when times are rough, but at the end of everyday, we have been dealt the same hand, we are all given the ability to find ourselves through others, and while I am guilty too, that is where all of the answers are.It is through our everyday formalities that our true potential shines, it is in those tiny possibilities that we are are able to really understand who we are at the core.
It is in this last year that I have realized just how damn lucky I am, I am surrounded by so many people that love and adore me. It is also in this last year that I have really been able to understand what it is to be loved unconditionally. I know that sounds cheesy, and it is nothing short of bittersweet, however in this year I have found myself reacquainted with someone that fits me. This someone, has made things seem just if not a little bit better, he has patience, understanding, and above all just the right amount of sarcasm. He grounds me when needed, and supports me when my imagination goes astray, he laughs at my silly misunderstandings, and comforts me me when I hit my lows. He is wonderful.
life always throws curveballs, and I am not silly enough to say that I have seen or experienced all that I will, but for one little year has come so much change, and with so much change has come so much understanding.
Where do I begin, I feel as though a new blog all together would be a good starting place, however I have to work with what I have. I have not blogged in such a long time, I have so much to say, but I feel as though allowing my fingers to type away, mind somewhere present will work too.
In the last year or so, I have lost my last remaining parent. watched my brother marry his absolute equal. and a whole lot of in between stuff that while it has affected me, is not meant to be public knowledge. I am not trying to be mysterious or anything of the sort,, but I do have to say that while I have before encountered some moments of influence, this last year just slapped me in the face and said "lady yoiu ain't seen nothing yet". This last year has shown me (whether I like it or not) that I am indeed an adult, and not just by age anytmore.
I was 21 when my dad died and shit, that hurt. It took a long time before I realized exactly what it was like to not have my daddy at my disposal.That was a rough patch, there were tears, fits, and questions as to why "I" was forced to learn this lesson: but I pulled through, (we all do when forced), all the while however, I had my mom, my rock to give me answers to the why's. She was there, she gave me foundation, her words, her demeanor, they gave me reaqson enough to believe that while this hoouse of cards we play as life isn't fair, that there is always a reason, a purpose.
My rock, my mom died on January 25th, my voice of reason went with her. For so many damn years I had relied on her, for so long I was coddled, I am not selfish or stupid enough to think that when she died so did my spirit, but a part of me left in that same room. I had for so damn long been treasured and adfored, I was the baby, after 8 children I just kind of unexpectedly happened, I had the luxury of not only two parents that adored me, but also 8 older siblings that wanted nothing more than to be a part of my upbringing. But, in the wake of being deemed parentless, while I absdolutely and unconditionally love my siblings, I do not wish for another mother or father, I want to be surounded by those that know and understand why I am who I am..
With all of this self awakening and supposed self awareness that has happpened to me in this last year I have to say I have found such a wonderful, caring, and attentive second half. I have been graced with him, and he is everything I could ever ask for. He, compliments me so, I saved him for the end opf this blog, because as shitty as this year has been he is the best thing to have happened to me in a long time.
As hard as life can be, ( and I t may sound dramatic)but as much as reality hurts, just know that no matter what, there is always a silver lining, and this comes to you from one of the best, most practiced pessimists around, life is downright shitty and unfair sometimes, but there is ALWAYS that something or someone that makes it all worth the while.
It is the quiet nights alone with the musings of Ella Fitzegerald, Nat King Cole, and the likes in which I find myself at peace and content with my creativity. It is nights like tonight that remind me just why I love words and prose so dearly. I find that more times than not, it is easier to sit in front of a television mindlessly watching, barely paying attention to anything other than the colors and the sound, or to lose hours on one single website flipping through images that do little to stimulate my mind. But nights like tonight, I love just soaking up the soft music, sitting back, and allowing my thoughts to fill a page.
A person can only make so many compromises. When one begins to compromise their morals they are not only doing an injustice to themselves, they are allowing a bit of them to slip away bit by precious bit. Compromise itself is an altogether fantastic concept to have a grasp of, a concept that will help in propelling you further and further in the right direction, and this remains true as long as it is done with the right intent.
If there is one life lesson that I have learned to any extent worth dwelling on as of late, it is that when you compromise your morals you only hurt yourself. It is vitally important to always preserve your true self. There are times when it seems so right to just bend a few beliefs here, or go against your better judgement from time to time, but in doing so you are losing yourself, and not only are you losing yourself you aren't being true to those around you. If you can't be true to those that you hold close, how can you ever expect to be true to yourself? Understanding you self worth and maintaining the ability to hold yourself to as high esteem as those close to you is so much easier said than done, but just think about how good you would feel about if you saw yourself with the same eyes that see those you love; you love them, adore them, expect good things of them and above all, you value their relationships.
It is so easy to forget about yourself and your own needs while trying to pamper those relationships that you hold so dear. It is so easy to get caught up in the nurturing of those you feel need it. It is so hard to take an objective step back and realize that you are giving all you have to give to others and leaving nothing for yourself.
I am not a psychologist, I have no degree to back up my ramblings, but I do speak from life experience. I have made this exact mistake many times over, and I always come out feeling tired and weary. Being true to your own moral standings and remaining firm about them will only make you happier and more fulfilled in the long run. The people that you surround yourself with and choose to hold close don't want another mother to nurture them as such, or someone who's beliefs bend and sway like a branch in the wind, they want you, and they want you at your best! And frankly if that is not the case then they do not deserve you at your best!
Change; Defined: to make the form, nature, content, future course, etc., of (something) different from what it is or from what it would be if left alone: to change one's name; to change one's opinion; to change the course of history. It seems a simple enough concept, especially staring at the words that form the meaning, in reality it is anything but. I have never been one to readily accept change, sure I adapt as needed, but it is rare that I am the one doing the changing (unless it is forced on me that is). I do not mean that I am content to be in positions in which change is necessary in moving forward, I mean that I find it incredibly daunting to do so. Being comfortable, "content", regardless of the situation can be all encompassing, it is hard sometimes to see that while you are fighting it so hard, that change is already in motion. The the ball is already rolling and you have two choices, either sit still and "fight" it (and chance being mowed down by the boulder sized rolling ball), or pick up your last few shreds of dignity and hope and follow it.
I am following my recent life changes, I am complying with the winds of change, all the while hoping that these winds are blowing me in the right direction. I am accepting the feelings and emotions as they come, I am feeling
them for all that they are worth, knowing that from this comes understanding, that even though some of the steps to where I am today were down right heartbreaking and enraging, that somewhere deep within me I am already stronger. I am not silly enough to insinuate that I have not felt all that I will feel, because I am aware that this road is a long one, however I feel comfortable in saying that I believe it to be one of those roads that is paved with good intentions, and that somewhere at the end of it is total understanding.
Usually, the things in life that hurt the most are the things that teach the most worthwhile lessons (if that weren't the case I would have terribly blistered fingers from always grabbing the hot pot). I wish that pain didn't have to be a part of learning, that heartbreak didn't feel like punishment for loving unconditionally, unfortunately as of late I have realized that I am no different than any other person in terms of pain, we all must feel it. The reasons for such a justification may never be known, the only thing I know is that regardless of how sad I was in the past or how much I feel myself moving forward right now, there is a destination at the end of it all, and while I know that there is indeed a destination the idea of not knowing where it is is both extremely frightening and thoroughly exhilarating.
If the fictional scenarios of insecure people were to really come true, hearts would be broken. Why is it that we are so demeaning and neglectful of ourselves? If I were to treat ANY other person the way I internally treat myself, I would have no friends or acquaintances, and would more than likely have a black eye or two! Some of things that I accuse myself of are downright stupid, some of the things i say to myself are terribly mean, and at the end of every day, I take all of this rejection, bottle it up and put it under my pillow as I sleep.
Even as I sit here writing about being a negative influence on myself, I do so with a condescending tone, I am my own worst frenemy! I care far too much about other peoples opinions of me, when really they are not the ones that will in the end cause my downfall, oh no, that trophy will be handed down by yours truly!
I am in a constant state of self discovery, always searching for the missing piece (surely there has to be a missing piece),no puzzle is complete until all of the pieces are securely tightened into their designated little spaces cozily nestled amongst one another, and aren't we all puzzles? Biological cryptograms, would I be correct in saying that people in general are just that (or is that just me being dramatic again? I do have a flair for that)? Perhaps I am giving myself and our very own human race far too much credit here, maybe, we really are simple creatures. Creatures of habit, repetitive by nature, deeming us all obvious, in which case what the hell kind of puzzle piece is it I am looking for, at this point I have probably lost it, found it, and replaced it at least a thousand times (think tail chasing dog).
After having just hit a milestone birthday, I find myself feeling very existential. I have just come to the realization that I am not indeed immortal (gasp). I am having a really hard time coming to terms with this, I always knew that death was inevitable, I watched it first hand with my father and am watching it with my mother, but realizing that I, (ME!) am going to die...talk about mind blown!!! However many days, months, or if I am lucky enough years that I have on my stopwatch can not possibly be enough time to thoroughly enjoy and investigate EVERYTHING! There is so much that I will never see or understand. I now know exactly what Louis Armstrong meant in What a Wonderful World when he sang "I hear babies cry, I watch them grow...They'll learn much more than I'll ever know". However this does not make me realize what a wonderful world it is, it makes me envious that when I am dust there will be people out there experiencing the things that I longed for, but my clock ran out before I got the chance. I know that this all sounds very selfish, but I cannot help but be honest here.
Amongst all of this philosophical jibber jabber is the underlying topic of religion, "embracing God, and looking forward to heaven", problem is (disclaimer: I do not seek to offend anyone I respect everyone the same regardless of religious preferences) even though I was very thoroughly raised a Catholic (I'm talking 11 years of catholic school and church twice a week) religion just doesn't sit right with me anymore. I am not going to go into depth, but my beliefs have waned, and the fact that once I die I will just cease to exist, is a hard pill to swallow!
You have jut been taken on a ride through the roller coaster that is my mind, I apologize for the scatterbrained nature of all of this, however I am just coming off of nearly a years worth of incredibly frustrating writer's block, and this was very cathartic for me! If you made it this far, thank you dearly for reading, it does mean a lot to me!
She could see out of the corner of her eye that the stocky little man at the next table was eyeing her, roving her from head to stiletto clad toe.
She has played this game, many times; and currently she doesn’t feel as if she has the patience to amuse this little man, even if there is a free drink involved.
Realizing that she hasn’t yet lit the cigarette in her hand, she strikes a match (compliments of the bar), and holds it to the end of the cigarette that dangles from her mouth.
She inhales deeply, leans her head back, and puffs the smoke out in thick O’s
Her thoughts had just trailed off, when they were interrupted by the waiter.
She would appreciate another glass indeed,
“Anything” she thought, that would take the edge off and allow her to loosen up a bit.
Life hadn’t quite been the same since she had run “M” off.
What was she supposed to do, he wanted a family! And only recently did she realize that he meant with her.
When he told her this, she choked, literally. She had just taken a drag off her cigarette, and gagged when she laughed at the idea.
He was so caring and gentle too, she loved to lie next to him in the middle of the night, and watch the expressions on his face as he dreamed.
Her favorite was his frown, there was something sheepish and naïve about it.
The waiter again, just in time. She promised herself that that particular incident would not invade her thoughts.
He sat the glass of wine down on the table and cleared away the old one, as he did this his arm brushed hers and there eyes immediately met, but only for a second.
There was uncomfortable air between there eyes and she was glad when he walked away.
She checks her watch and takes a drink of the deep blood-red wine.
Feeling the warm alcohol seep down her throat, and into her stomach, she begins to relax.
As her limbs loosened and the kink in her neck grew numb, she could not shake off or ignore the loneliness that was creeping in.
It would gather thickly in her stomach, leaving no room for an appetite.
And for however long it saw fit it would reside within her,
for days it would burden her, suck out every last bit of her energy, and leave her lying lifeless on her bed.
She looked around the room hoping to meet a pair of friendly eyes to ease the loneliness that was seeping in faster now,
no eyes looked back, even the stocky little man at the next table was now accompanied by not one but two women, two blonds with short skirts and tall drinks.
She realized then at that moment that there was no solace to be found here, or anywhere for that matter
 It has been months since I last wrote! The first few months can be excuse by my lack of internet, after that however I really have no excuse! I feel as though my newest post should be of epic proportions because it has been so long and so much has happened, however it is not necessarily those events that inspire me, or perhaps i should say they do inspire me, however they will in due time rise to the surface and form themselves into words and from there become a blog, but for now i just want to write. Life is slowly becoming normal again, and by normal I mean comfortable. Dustin and I have acquired our own residence again, just us and our cats, Barnes & Noble has graciously accepted me back (with loving arms), and I am slowly learning how to live with myself again. I have battling some inner demons that I never knew existed, I am learning exactly what it means to be your own worst enemy ( as cliche as that sounds ). I have become a live wire, I am tense, agitated, and find it hard to concentrate. I am working on me, trying to deal with myself so that others can too, but it is a process that is going to take some time and elbow grease, I will do my best to blog more, as it is cathartic, and I thank you for reading
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