Change; Defined: to make the form, nature, content, future course, etc., of (something) different from what it is or from what it would be if left alone: to change one's name; to change one's opinion; to change the course of history. It seems a simple enough concept, especially staring at the words that form the meaning, in reality it is anything but. I have never been one to readily accept change, sure I adapt as needed, but it is rare that I am the one doing the changing (unless it is forced on me that is). I do not mean that I am content to be in positions in which change is necessary in moving forward, I mean that I find it incredibly daunting to do so. Being comfortable, "content", regardless of the situation can be all encompassing, it is hard sometimes to see that while you are fighting it so hard, that change is already in motion. The the ball is already rolling and you have two choices, either sit still and  "fight" it (and chance being mowed down by the boulder sized rolling ball), or pick up your last few shreds of dignity and hope and follow  it. 
      I am following my recent life changes, I am complying with the  winds of change, all the while hoping that these winds are blowing me in the  right  direction. I am accepting the feelings and emotions as they come, I am  feeling
them for all that they are worth, knowing that from this comes  understanding, that even though some of the steps to where I am today were down  right heartbreaking and enraging, that somewhere deep within me I am already stronger.  I am not silly enough to insinuate that I have not felt all that I will feel, because I am aware that this road is a long one, however I feel comfortable in saying that I believe it to be one of those roads that is paved with good intentions, and that somewhere at the end of it is total understanding.
     Usually, the things in life that hurt the most are the things that teach the most worthwhile lessons (if that weren't the case I would have terribly blistered fingers from always grabbing the hot pot). I wish that pain didn't have to be a part of learning, that heartbreak didn't feel like punishment for loving unconditionally, unfortunately as of late I have realized that I am no different than any other person in terms of pain, we all must feel it. The reasons for such a justification may never be known, the only thing I know is that regardless of how sad I was in the past or how much I feel myself moving forward right now, there is a destination at the end of it all, and while  I know that there is indeed a destination the idea of not knowing where it is is  both extremely frightening and thoroughly exhilarating. 
 
 
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    If the fictional scenarios of insecure people were to really come true, hearts would be broken. Why is it that we are so demeaning and neglectful of ourselves? If I were to treat ANY other person the way I internally treat myself, I would have no friends or acquaintances, and would more than likely have a black eye or two! Some of things that I accuse myself of are downright stupid, some of the things i say to myself are terribly mean, and at the end of every day, I take all of this rejection, bottle it up and put it under my pillow as I sleep.
     Even as I sit here writing about being a negative influence on myself, I do so with a condescending tone, I am my own worst frenemy! I care far too much about other peoples opinions of me, when really they are not the ones that will in the end cause my downfall, oh no, that trophy will be handed down by yours truly!
     I am in a constant state of self discovery, always searching for the missing piece (surely there has to be a missing piece),no puzzle is complete until all of the pieces are securely tightened into their designated little spaces cozily nestled amongst one another, and aren't we all puzzles? Biological cryptograms, would I be correct in saying that people in general are just that (or is that just me being dramatic again? I do have a flair for that)? Perhaps I am giving myself and our very own human race far too much credit here, maybe, we really are simple creatures. Creatures of habit, repetitive by nature, deeming us all  obvious, in which case what the hell kind of puzzle piece is it I am looking for, at this point I have probably lost it, found it, and replaced it at least a thousand times  (think tail chasing dog).
     After having just hit a milestone birthday, I find myself feeling very existential. I have just come to the realization that I am not indeed immortal (gasp). I am having a really hard time coming to terms with this, I always knew that death was inevitable, I watched it first hand with my father and am watching it with my mother, but realizing that I, (ME!) am going to die...talk about mind blown!!! However many days, months, or if I am lucky enough years that I have on my stopwatch can not possibly be enough time to thoroughly enjoy and investigate EVERYTHING! There is so much that I will never see or understand. I now know exactly what Louis Armstrong meant in What a Wonderful World when he sang "I hear babies cry, I watch them grow...They'll learn much more than I'll ever know". However this does not make me realize what a wonderful world it is, it makes me envious that when I am dust there will be people out there experiencing the things that I longed for, but my clock ran out before I got the chance. I know that this all sounds very selfish, but I cannot help but be honest here.
     Amongst all of this philosophical jibber jabber is the underlying topic of religion, "embracing God, and looking forward to heaven", problem is (disclaimer: I do not seek to offend anyone I respect everyone the same regardless of religious preferences) even though I was very thoroughly raised a Catholic (I'm talking 11 years of catholic school and church twice a week) religion just doesn't sit right with me anymore. I am  not going to go into depth, but my beliefs have waned, and the fact that once I die I will just cease to exist, is a hard pill to swallow!
     You have jut been taken on a ride through the roller coaster that is my mind, I apologize for the scatterbrained nature of all of this, however I am just coming off of nearly a years worth of incredibly frustrating writer's block, and this was very cathartic for me! If you made it this far, thank you dearly for reading, it does mean a lot to me!
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She could see out of the corner of her eye that the stocky little man at the next table was eyeing her, roving her from head to stiletto clad toe.

She has played this game, many times; and currently she doesn’t feel as if she has the patience to amuse this little man, even if there is a free drink involved.

Realizing that she hasn’t yet lit the cigarette in her hand, she strikes a match (compliments of the bar), and holds it to the end of the cigarette that dangles from her mouth.

She inhales deeply, leans her head back, and puffs the smoke out in thick O’s

Her thoughts had just trailed off, when they were interrupted by the waiter.

She would appreciate another glass indeed,

“Anything” she thought, that would take the edge off and allow her to loosen up a bit.

Life hadn’t quite been the same since she had run “M” off.

What was she supposed to do, he wanted a family! And only recently did she realize that he meant with her.

When he told her this, she choked, literally. She had just taken a drag off her cigarette, and gagged when she laughed at the idea.

He was so caring and gentle too, she loved to lie next to him in the middle of the night, and watch the expressions on his face as he dreamed.

Her favorite was his frown, there was something sheepish and naïve about it.

The waiter again, just in time. She promised herself that that particular incident would not invade her thoughts.

He sat the glass of wine down on the table and cleared away the old one, as he did this his arm brushed hers and there eyes immediately met, but only for a second.

There was uncomfortable air between there eyes and she was glad when he walked away.

She checks her watch and takes a drink of the deep blood-red wine.

Feeling the warm alcohol seep down her throat, and into her stomach, she begins to relax.

As her limbs loosened and the kink in her neck grew numb, she could not shake off or ignore the loneliness that was creeping in.

It would gather thickly in her stomach, leaving no room for an appetite.

And for however long it saw fit it would reside within her,

for days it would burden her, suck out every last bit of her energy, and leave her lying lifeless on her bed.

She looked around the room hoping to meet a pair of friendly eyes to ease the loneliness that was seeping in faster now,

no eyes looked back, even the stocky little man at the next table was now accompanied by not one but two women, two blonds with short skirts and tall drinks.

She realized then at that moment that there was no solace to be found here, or anywhere for that matter

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It has been months since I last wrote! The first few months can be excuse by my lack of internet, after that however I really have no excuse! I feel as though my newest post should be of epic proportions because it has been so long and so much has happened, however it is not necessarily those events that inspire me, or perhaps i should say they do inspire me, however they will  in due time rise to the surface and form themselves into words and from there become a blog, but for now i just want to write. Life is slowly becoming normal again, and by normal I mean comfortable. Dustin and I have acquired our own residence again, just us and our cats,  Barnes & Noble has graciously accepted me back (with loving arms), and I am slowly learning how to live with myself again. I have battling some inner demons that I never knew existed, I am learning exactly what it means to be your own worst enemy ( as cliche as that sounds ). I have become a live wire, I am tense, agitated, and find it hard to concentrate. I am working on me, trying to deal with myself so that others can too, but it is a process that is going to take some time and elbow grease, I will do my best to blog more, as it is cathartic, and I thank you for reading
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It seems really strange to imagine that just two months ago I was 10,000 miles away. 10,000 miles away from my mother, my friends, and everything I have grown to know of as home. It was a mere two months ago that I flew home in a daze to say my final goodbye to my mother, my god how the time flew. I find it incredibly hard to believe that two months ago my mother's life rested somewhere between tangibility and nothingness, but the truth of the matter is that in these past two months I have been given a second chance to show her just how important she is to me, she on the other hand has been given a second chance to live, to love, and to thrive.
     A few days ago one of my brothers, one of my sisters, and I met with the staff at the nursing home that is taking care of my mom, we sat down in a quiet room with the door closed and talked about the next stage, it was in that room with the door closed that we were told that if her rapid recuperation persisted, that she would be able to go home in time for her birthday (which is March 25th). I have never in my life felt a larger weight lifted off of my shoulders!  I feel as though life may actually be able to continue on as normal, rather than just hanging out in this stagnant place that harbors dark, dreary days and unsure outcomes. Also, it seems important to note that spring is knocking, and that soon enough the sun will shine!
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HOT DAMN! 02/12/2011
 
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There are those people in life that get off on watching you fail, it makes them feel good about themselves when they know that there are other miserable people out there. To those negative miserable people I say a big SCREW YOU! I am barely hanging on most days, and the fact that the moment you see your opportunity you don't think twice before swooping right in and cutting the proverbial thread that is my patience and sanity, well that makes me angry! You can steal my thunder if it makes you happy, but c'mon with it when it is my feelings, that is just wrong. I do my damndest to try and be the most ethical and moral person possible, I may have my moments (hell even days) of bitterness, but usually those are are just that, MOMENTS! i try and tell myself that people that act like this do it because they have issues with themselves, but HOT DAMN, some days enough is enough! Thanks for listenin' to the bitchin'.
xoxoxoxoxo
Nicole
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Dear Readers, this is a blog of different sorts, this is a blog about teenage infidelity and adult tendencies. While it is not overly PG, I do believe that perhaps it is a bit more risque than the norm...that being said, a shout-out to all of my NK sisters (especially the RG girls)
(I feel as though I should clarify for all of my nk sisters out there, I am simply in the midst of a Jordan tendency, these come and go, but rest assured Mr. Wood remains my main squeeze throughout all of this!) Now on to the good stuff.....
Dear Mr Knight,
I just thought you should know that your falsetto makes me think dirty thoughts, and your steps to Give it to You kinda make squirm. The way you move is almost enough to make me forget the pedo-stash from the Face the Music years, and the rat tail (OMG the rat tail), I say almost, because the rest of it is made up for in the way you handle yourself in humorous situations, your adorable dimples and shy laugh, all I can say is mmmmmmmmmmmmm!!!!!!
     If given the chance to spend an hour alone with you, I would most likely have to decline the invitation, as it is uncertain how I would react when I saw you up close or god forbid smell your cologne ( I am not 100% sure that my boyfriend would appreciate bailing me out of jail, and while they say that that's what friends are for I truly believe that mine would encourage such behavior).So there you have it,I am absolutely ok with living here in my little fantasy world in which all of the NK's fight over me not only because of my good looks, but because of my brilliance (ahahahahahahaha), where I can have an NK for each day of the week, concert tickets are front row and free, Covergirl is whispered in my ear on a regular basis, and cupcakes are had by all!
  
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     I don't remember much before the age of five or so (as many don't I am sure). But from that time on, the memories come to me like a flood, the sun-soaked days spent building  "girls only" club houses in the front yard, the games of Simon Says with the neighbors mom in which I always lost, the disaster of a lemonade stand that turned no profits but was a great learning experience. Those truly were the days! It was in those days that I learned the value of friendship, what cucumbers tasted like with salt, and that no matter how much I thought I was, that I wasn't really a rebel at all. The rebel years came much later, when I learned how to hold a cigarette, do a lemon drop shot, and live with the consequences of both.
     It was in those early years that the most crucial aspects of my personality were formed. In that time, I was taught many lessons.....
Be kind to all : this lesson was learned due to the childish and catty behavior that the neighbor boy and I showed to the kid down the road. I look back now and wonder how I thought it possible to pick on somebody that had no defense, that had no boy next door standing by his side backing him and spewing forth the childish taunts and sharp words that I did. I too was picked on as a child, but who wasn't? And excuses such as that are no excuse to release your aggression on an innocent bystander. I can honestly say now that while I look back on that situation with regret heavy in my heart, that I do my damnedest to show kindness and generosity in equal measure to everyone I come across, after all we are all human, we are all in this together.
Value your relationship with your parents: Although in my teenage years, I decided that my parents sole purpose was to make my life hell (what angst I held) I knew before then and learned further later that this couldn't have been farther from the truth. My parents wanted nothing but good things for me, as most parents do; but you could have sworn on a pack of Marlboros during my teenage years that they were only trying to look out for me and I would have rolled my eyes and spat some sort of catty remark out as though it were my job. Here I sit years later, looking back on my teenage years minus one parent and the other on the brink of here and gone, and I can tell you from the depths of my being what it means to appreciate them. I appreciate every word I am capable of sharing, every lingering hug and forehead kiss, because from where I stand today, I can see the end, and while I know it is inevitable I want to face it with an open heart and quiet understanding.
Don't love the first boy that you fall for (on second thought, DO love the first boy you fall for): If you know me quite well, then you know the name of my first love, if not I am not going to use his name because I am not capable of contacting him for permission, but we will call him Ben. I met Ben when I was sixteen, and he quickly became my world, we were each others worlds quite honestly, we revolved around each other and depended on each other for every last breath. This kind of love I understand now is smothering and codependent, but man at sixteen, seventeen, eighteen, and part of nineteen it felt glorious ! I had a boy that wanted ME and only me, and he LOVED me. I was the luckiest girl in my high school, he waited patiently everyday for me out front of that school,in his pseudo-station wagon, with a smile on his face and tendrils of long hair in his eyes, ready to head out and see what sort of adventure we could find or trouble we could cause. It was through him that I was able to gain the basic concept of what love is, it was also through that I was able to know what it felt like to be completely smothered and feel the flame of lust and adoration snuffed out slowly and painfully. My god did it hurt at the time, to see him hurt so bad and know that I caused it,but looking back I am incredibly grateful for the roller coaster of emotions that I felt back then, good or bad, I felt alive, I felt alive without consequence, and never again will I be able to say that. So yes, go ahead and fall stupid head over heels in adoration and drooling puppy love, because you will never feel that again, it is a one time reserved feeling!
Appreciate your friendships: It is true and it is sad that friendships fade from high school into adulthood, and as much as it sucks, it is a fact of life.I have to say that when it comes to this subject I have been exceptionally lucky, the friend dearest to me has been dear to me since birth, she was born about two years after me. We were reared together, we had nicknames together, we share blood, she is my niece. It was always fun trying to describe this situation to people that didn't understand our family, so most of the time we chose to just understand each other. She and I by every definition grew up together, we were in may instances closer than sisters, and also at times worst enemies, we went long periods of time not speaking and holding grudges (which we both excel at), but here we are today, women! Women that have come to know heartbreak as well as pure joy, women that have traveled and ventured, women that have overcome obstacles others doubted, women!  I cannot speak for my her, but she is very much a part of me, we may live miles and miles apart and not even speak everyday, we may work in totally opposite spectrum's of the career world, we may be as different as two people could possibly be, but I appreciate her for what she has shown me, allowed me to understand, and for being my friend, I appreciate her for the childhood memories I hold so dear (as well as the one's I wish to forget) I appreciate her!
You are never too old to watch cartoons and eat cereal out of the biggest bowl in the house: It's all about the inner child, I am not sure that I have yet grasped this concept, but I am well on my way. I have recently come to the conclusion that regression may not be healthy, but appreciating the unrestricted freedom of a Saturday morning, work nonexistent, and obligation only to the remote control, that is healthy!!! God those were the days, the days when I would wake up early just to watch cartoons with commercial introductions sung in the catchy "After these messages we'll be riiiight back" tune, eating fruit loops or whatever sugar high of a cereal was on hand at the time, those mornings when I felt completely free and had no idea at the time that that was freedom. I will never be able to recreate those mornings, but man reliving the memory sure brings back a rush (or maybe that is from the cereal).
You always think you know more than you do:  From what I can tell, this will be true your whole life (exhibit A. this whole list), you will always assume that because we are such worldly creatures, that we know almost everything. We know a little bit about a lot of things, but as far as massive mind blowing, life altering epiphanies go, we don't really know jack. It feels good to believe that we are shedding light on the life of someone else, with wisdom from our own, but really, honestly, it is self fulfilling. I don't mean this in a derrogatory way, just that as simply as I can put it, we always think we know more than we do, and good for us, it is good to believe something.
 xoxoxoxoxo
Nicole
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A Call For Help 02/03/2011
 
       Here's the deal, I no longer reside in a foreign country worthy of blogs about homesickness and weather, which is why I began this blog, but I would like to continue maintaining it. I know that it is a small circle of peeps that follow it, and I would like to know what you want to read. I want to write to entertain those kind enough to drop by every now and then, and hopefully through reaching out and writing about what people want to read I can reach out to more and more people and get read more and more which would be awesome. So to those of you that have been kind enough to read, please comment and tell me what it is you want to hear about and I will do everything in my power to keep you informed and entertained.
xoxoxoxoxoxoxo
Nicole
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Home. 01/21/2011
 
     I am home. I boarded the plane leaving Australia in the early morning hours on December 19th, I boarded that plane with trepidation in hand and anguish in my heart. In the long hours that passed as I flew over Hawaii, Fiji, and all of the fantastic spans of ocean I attempted to prepare myself for what awaited me, this proved to be impossible, so I settled for Tylenol PM, in flight movies and Dustin's shoulder as a pillow. After over a days worth of traveling time logged, we arrived at the Moline airport, we were beyond tired and stressed. I am such a nostalgic mess that I cried when we landed, for no reason other than I was happy to be home, that ceased the moment we reached the gate that harbored our friends and family that had come to welcome us home. The first person I saw was my sister Amy, she was crying (which I chocked up to her being happy to see me/sad to see me under these circumstances)as I got closer, I realized that not only was she crying, she was sobbing and shaking...my heart hit the floor, I cannot recreate with words that feeling, I though for sure I was too late, that somewhere between Sydney and Los Angelas my mother had lost her fight. I was quickly swept away, away from friends and Dustin's family that were there to welcome us home, I was ushered in a trance-like state through the doors into a waiting vehicle. On the way to the hospital I was informed that my mom had been taken off of her life support without the presence of any family. I knew I was coming home to say goodbye to her, but I thought I would at least have that, well she hung on. I got to the hospital, wiped my eyes and soldiered my way through the doors of the intensive care unit, she was surrounded when I entered her room, but attention was quickly turned my way, she cocked her head ever so slightly and smiled at me, my heart melted. I walked to her side picked up her hand and told her how much I loved her, I told her all of the things you say to a person when you think it is your last time seeing them, I told her all of the gossip that I had been ever so eager for her to hear, I stood there beside her with nothing but the sound of beeping and breathing and accepted that I was soon going to have to face life without her. It is the weirdest feeling, accepting the most painful thing you could ever endure for the peace of someone you love without limits. In that room, among the beeps I looked at my withering mom, saw the pain in her eyes and accepted the terms of my future.
     I accepted the loss of my mother, but my mother it seems has other plans. After days of being stuffed into the waiting room, sleeping on the floor (if at all), eating what my aunt was kind enough to cook for us, and showers that consisted of washing your armpits in the bathroom sink, all nine of us children met in her tiny room with her primary doctor to discuss where we were. We had already talked to the Dr. but wanted her to be present as her hallucinations at the time were pretty bad, and we wanted her to hear for herself what he said, that her lung capacity had shrunken to less than 16%, and that her chances of a full recovery were impossible, that the best choice in this situation would be to give her Morphine and let her painlessly slip away. She sat herself up in her bed (the most movement she had done in over 2 weeks), and declared that that wasn't an option. It was explained to her again that a full recovery was far less than likely, and that strenuous amounts of physical therapy would be necessary, and she just shrugged and accepted the challenge.
     Well these last four weeks have been almost as emotionally taxing as the intensive care unit, but I am so happy to say that she is doing so much better, she is eating on her own, (full meals even), hasn't had a hallucination in about two weeks, and took seventeen steps today in physical therapy. She is herself again personality wise, she cracks jokes and watches tv, she wishes to see more of her children and grandchildren, but you can't force people out of their comfort zones and into their mother's life. She has visitors daily usually at least two, but sadly enough there are days that I go up at 9 PM and find out that I am the only one that has been there all day. This is not by any means me acting like a saint, because I am anything but, however people need to realize that the fears we had while we huddled together in that waiting room are not finished, she is going to get that ill again, and next time all of her fight will be used up and we will lose her, please I beg you, do yourselves a favor and go spend an hour with her, talk to her, laugh with her, and be damn thankful for the opportunity!
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