Tonight, for some reason tonight I feel clarity. There are 365 days in a year but tonight is the first night since I have lost my mom that I have written anything of substance. I wrote the eulogy that I read at her visitation, and it didn't dawn on me until just now that aside from the occasional snippet here and there I haven't written anything of substance since then. I think, and it is hard for me to admit, but I think it may be that though she died in January I am just now coming to terms with the real loss, with the hole that has been left, that the place in which her phone calls and nurturing words once were I am filling all on my own. It is so hard, near unbearable not to share with her all that I have found over the last year. She would have loved Cole, not even just Cole, Dom. I just know that if she were here she would be content in knowing that she didn't have to worry about me, that I am taken care of. She would be elated to know that I am loved and not only am I loved but I am given the opportunity to love just as much as I receive, to know that while I may be taken care of that my love is reciprocal.
This last year has been turbulent to say the least, I could say that about the last 31 years really, but this last year...has really thrown me for a loop. I have been loved before, hell I am the baby of 9 kids, but this last year I have grown to understand genuine love. I am by no means looking to be cheesy here, but when you find that love...you just know. It is forgiving and accepting, it accepts you through your best and worst. I mean this...I have been extremely lucky, I push and push, I am unlovable at times, but those times are received with a kiss on the forehead...those times he sees right through me and knows that I need that extra hug or just to hear those three simple words.
In all honesty I am feeling a bit cheesy tonight, but that is only because every day gets a little lighter. I am by all means what you may call a pessimist, the other shoe always has to have some place to drop, that is my MO....I wait and expect the worst, but it is getting really tiring constantly running around dodging bullets. I just want to appreciate what I do have, I can lament and redesign my life as it "could have been" or live by the "if onlys" but frankly that particular way of thinking is giving me wrinkles!
I sit here typing this thinking of my mom, and my life today, listening to Johnny Mathis singing "Love is a many splendid thing" and I cant help but think that if ever there was a unison, now would be it.
Just some rambling that has been stuck inside for a while, but in all honesty I feel as though by typing these feelings, by giving them tangibility I am somehow lighter. If you read all of this I appreciate the time that it took to make it to the end, and if you didn't...well then I probably still like you anyway.
This last year has been turbulent to say the least, I could say that about the last 31 years really, but this last year...has really thrown me for a loop. I have been loved before, hell I am the baby of 9 kids, but this last year I have grown to understand genuine love. I am by no means looking to be cheesy here, but when you find that love...you just know. It is forgiving and accepting, it accepts you through your best and worst. I mean this...I have been extremely lucky, I push and push, I am unlovable at times, but those times are received with a kiss on the forehead...those times he sees right through me and knows that I need that extra hug or just to hear those three simple words.
In all honesty I am feeling a bit cheesy tonight, but that is only because every day gets a little lighter. I am by all means what you may call a pessimist, the other shoe always has to have some place to drop, that is my MO....I wait and expect the worst, but it is getting really tiring constantly running around dodging bullets. I just want to appreciate what I do have, I can lament and redesign my life as it "could have been" or live by the "if onlys" but frankly that particular way of thinking is giving me wrinkles!
I sit here typing this thinking of my mom, and my life today, listening to Johnny Mathis singing "Love is a many splendid thing" and I cant help but think that if ever there was a unison, now would be it.
Just some rambling that has been stuck inside for a while, but in all honesty I feel as though by typing these feelings, by giving them tangibility I am somehow lighter. If you read all of this I appreciate the time that it took to make it to the end, and if you didn't...well then I probably still like you anyway.
RSS Feed