So today is day five. It has been five whole entire days since I have had a cigarette. And my mind is doing that crazy "try-to-convince-myself-that-I-can-have-just-one" thing, I however think my mind needs to stuff it!!! I am not going this alone, I have been on Chantix and have that to attribute much of this success to. This is one strange pill let me tell you....as far as side effects go, I thus far have experienced only a few, the first few days I felt a little out of it, a wee bit air-head like, and before I started even taking the pill I came down with some kind of shit cold that is still somewhat lingering in my chest, however I believe the Chantix is to blame for some of the discomfort while sick. Also recently I get a tiny bit nauseous shortly after taking my dose, however I am following the instructions verbatim. Other than those few things though I haven't really experienced much else, and as far as the crazy dreams go, I have had a few strange dreams, but nothing like what others have described, sure I dreamt I danced topless with Marilyn Monroe, but I am known to have insanely odd dreams, perhaps they just can't get any weirder. So there you have it, I took action (finally) and have decided to become a non smoker, I have avoided publicizing it because of fear of failure, but at this point I feel "meh whatever" I am trying damn it and that is what matters.
     As for the rest of my life, my mom has been in the hospital again (the fourth time in three months) this time sparking talk of her moving into an assisted living facility. I really never thought I would have to be a part of such a decision, and quite honestly I don't like it at all!!! She is only 68 years old, she is entirely too young to be in a place like that, however the reality of it is that yes she is too young, but life just ain't fair. She is the main drive behind my  quit, she smoked for years and years, until coming down with pneumonia and being forced to stop, except that at that point she didn't stop, she just did it in secret. While smoking may not be the main reason for her illness today, it played a damn big part in it, and I am guessing shaved a few precious years off of her life span. So to the tobacco industry and the cigarettes themselves I say a big "SCREW YOU", you can only take so much from me, it ends here!!!
     Life in Australia is pretty much the same, except that I hear nicer weather can be expected next month,so in the words of Donnie Wahlberg I say "WOOOOOOOOOOOOO" to that. I have been attempting exercise as best I can lately. When we first arrived here, I tried to use the elliptical in the garage and lasted six (I know this is really sad) minutes before I thought I was going to die. After that great defeat, me and my lungs decided to lay low and sulk for a while. Then a week ago, after realizing just how much my appetite has increased since not smoking, I decided to suck it up and have another go with the demonic machine in the garage. The first time, I am not going to lie, it was sad all over again except that this time I pushed myself to keep going, I cranked up the Zune that was blasting Dirty Dancing  in my ears, and low and behold I made it ten minutes. The next time, just me, the New Kids, and that metal devil managed fifteen minutes, and after that twenty. I of course have to keep telling myself that I am not going to die if I keep going, and make a conscious effort to breath, but I am beginning to understand what it means to push oneself. I can not say yet that I enjoy it (I think the only way I really could enjoy it is if Danny Wood stood infront of me with the promise of a smoothie as a reward) but hey, I am trying, the machine still looks a bit demonic to me but I am growing to understand that it has no intention of sucking my soul out in the form of my breath. 
     I am thinking about taking a class here. They have these things called WEA courses and you can literally take a class on anything from knitting to embalming. So I am thinking something smack in the middle basic knitting for the chic embalmer! Sorry I couldn't help myself, I really am however looking into a course on either web design, photography, or creative writing. Not only am I looking to do this to learn, but also in an effort to make a friend or two, I have learned lately that life is just downright lonely when the only friends you have live at least 10,000 miles away. I adore my boyfriend and my family, but who am supposed to vent to when they are both on my nerves? So friends take this as a warning, I am going to appreciate the hell out of you when I get home!!!! hahaha
     I suppose that I have blabbered on enough for one day, so thank you for reading if you made it all the way to the end. I will update later about the whole smoking thing, and I will be sure and post an apology to the elliptical as soon as I see it as something more than a death trap. So on that note I bid you adieu !

So, I have been waiting for inspiration to hit so that I could write another blog...as you can tell from the lack of posts lately, inspiration has yet to come a knocking.  I realized however that I can't just sit around and wait any longer. So here it is, my attempt at an entertaining peek into my life.
      We have been in Australia now for almost three months. And in that short amount of time (that at times has seemed like forever, and at other times has flown so fast that I barely had a chance to blink) I have learned more than I could have imagined. First things first, I have learned that I make most decisions based on emotion. I can't feel most any emotion to a higher extent than normalcy without shedding a damn tear, when I'm sad I cry, Angry, I cry, for shits sake I even cry when I get overly happy. I know many of you are shaking your heads saying "that's normal, women have hormones", but NO this fountain of tears that seems to have quite a content little home behind my eyes is not normal (and before there is even a chance for one person to ask...no I am not pregnant). This is not a bitch nor a moan, as I have come recently to terms with this, simply an observation that I felt needed addressed.
Next up, I have come recently to believe that relationships are like rubber bands. They are meant to be stretched again and again, at times to the point that they are sure to break, however lo and behold they just snap right back into place, often times leaving a welt the size of Texas if you aren't careful. Nevertheless the buoyancy of said rubber band is astonishing ( until it grows old and brittle or your cat decides to ingest it and make it a part of its next hairball.) That being said relationships are the ties that bind us, without those closest to us, we are nothing more than a number to appear on the next census.
     This next piece is directed at family. My goodness my family. This is a topic in which I an not quite sure I will ever come to terms with, but perhaps that is what being from a litter of nine is all about. (I can't even begin to comprehend the trials that "Octo-mom's" brood will face in their lifetime.) But in all seriousness, I come from a family of nine children,
NINE children, and yet when duty calls it would appear that most are just entirely too busy to deal. This is not directed at anyone in particular, and as a matter of fact there are a few that go above and beyond, but seriously come on now, no one is asking you to run a marathon or even put down the remote, simply to set aside ten minutes of your hectic day and pick up the telephone ( as luck would have it you can use a phone and a t.v. at the same time). I am not a saint, nor do I wish to make myself out to be one, however I CARE.  I apologize if this comes off as extremely bitchy, but this is serious and if gestures of appreciation and moral competency aren't acted on now, regret will be your neighbor in the not so distant future.
     Family is the scar that is left after a scab has festered and fallen off, the headache in a hangover, and yet at the same time, they are the glue that holds the hair to your head when you are absolutely sure that life is going to make you bald, they are the equivalent of Prozac on the worst of days. Family is I am quite sure where the saying "can't live with em' can't live without em'" came from. Each member of my family has a special place in my heart, they have all helped in shaping me, for better or for worse.
     Whew, let me just take a proverbial step off of my soapbox now. I have a feeling (here I go again with the emotions) that this stagnant period has been partially about the feelings I have towards my family, but that is said and done, so now on to the daily ramblings of the word-loving, normally caffeine (and Angie, just so you know, I spelled caffeine wrong twice...thank you spell check) induced person you all know as Nicole.
     I have been feeling pretty sorry for myself lately as it is actually cold here in Australia, however I know that come December, that will change, as I will have the chance to spend Christmas and my birthday on the beach if I choose. My original goal was to be in a bikini on my birthday (and with photoshop this IS possible), however I am not exactly on my way there just yet. Who the hell knew that self pity led to finding comfort in Coca Cola? I am fighting the most epic battle of them all Women Vs. Self...I am not quite sure exactly why I do so, as I literally know that I will never find myself sprawled across the pages of Cosmo or eeekkkkk Playboy (which I read for the articles). However, here I sit wondewring just how I would look with a body like Kate Hudson ( upon which I am already aware she is flat chested....hello....I work with what I do or in this case don't have), but for real, she is banging! See, I could imagine this for days if allowed, I am just thankful that the pudge of my belly reminds me otherwise. This post could go on for days at this rate, so as far as I am concerned, aside from some pent up familial aggression, and the love handles (seriously why are they called that), life is ok, and getting better on a daily basis.
     I bid you farewell
xoxoxoxo
Nicole
    

I woke up this morning, took my fish oil tablets, went to work, had an adjustment, came home, went to the mall and had a massage. This series of events may seem nothing out of the ordinary to many, but to me this day is something out of the norm, however as of late seems to be somewhat normal (minus the massage as it was my first ever). I had to literally sit back tonight and realize that while my mind and heart may still reside in Davenport, I am physically in Adelaide. I am living a different life, with different people and different actions that are becoming increasingly normal. This first month away from home has been a tedious trip up the steepest of hills, but I have read my fair share of inspirational affirmations and self help books and  know that nothing worthwhile was ever easy. I am learning slowly what it means to find comfort within oneself, I am learning that no matter how much I love and adore those closest to me, that I and only I control who I am!  Trials and tribulations hurt like a bitch, however without these tiny indignities I would never be able to comprehend the strength that I harbor, nor would I understand that it is normal to feel low at times. I am learning daily to smile more (even if it hurts or is through broken sobs), to do what I can to appease those around me (yet not go too far), and to realize that I and only I create my destiny! I am powerful, more so than I realize most days, and if nothing else I control me!

After a long plane ride, various forms of airplane food, countless movies, and numerous gorgeous views of clouds and such, Dustin and I have arrived in Adelaide. This first week has been one for the books, I have never felt so homesick or strived for the comfort of a duldrum existence as much as I have this past week. However with that said, I have just hit the one week mark and can say that I do see a light at the end. I understand that this is a beginning, not an end. That as much as I have been shaken to my core that this will benefit me in the end. I am in Australia, with the love of my life, and my family whom I adore, as much time as it may take to find a medium between the two I am bound to do so! I do promise many photos to come, as well as stories I am sure, however until then I am going to leave it at this.  

As of March 31st I will no longer have to listen to the excessive arguing of the five person family inhabiting the two bedroom apartment below me, nor will their television stir me from my sleep at midnight, oh and I can altogether forget what it sounds like when the couple next to me (erm)...procreates, yeah procreates is a nice way of saying that the people next to me should explore their sado-sides and invest  perhaps in a ball gag! I am done with this management neglected, four walled excuse of an apartment. The garbage strewn lawn will forever be present in my memory,  the graveyard of dead cars with violation stickers in hues of bright pink and orange known as the parking lot will leave such an impression on me, the laundry room with its broken down appliances and puddles on the floor that was taken away from me without notice will always make me stop and think, and as much as I hate to I will have to respond to the beautification bbq with a will not be attending! I will be far, far away from the sound of fighting children and their screaming parents!  I know that leaving my current dwellings is not going to send me to instant bliss, that from here on out is a struggle all its own, but this is step one. Australia is one step closer after March 31st. and as much as I have grieved that in which I am leaving behind, the excitement is trickling in slowly but surely. I an about two weeks away from saying goodbye to Barnes & Noble, my employer for the last nine years, this in itself is quite a feat. The people there have become family to me, I started there as an immature 19 year old  and have since grown into an immature 28 year old (lol), in all seriousness B&N has been not only my source of income for such a large part of my life, but also a source of strength. It was with some of my closest friends and coworkers that I mourned the loss of my father, shared the joy a brand new car, and also had some of the fiercest arguments I have ever had. But at the end of every day, month, and year they were still there. I would have never thought that I could find such love among the stacks of bestsellers and out of print paperbacks, but I did and for that I am exceptionally grateful. To all of my bookselling, coffee drinking friends, I will never be able to express in words just how much each and every one of you means to me, I will always look back with a smile on my face (and the smell of espresso on my clothes)!
Love,
Nicole

To anybody reading this, this is basically my notice, the official I am moving to Australia announcement!
Our passports arrived in the mail yesterday. And aside from the fact that both Dustin and I look like criminals in a line up in our photos I am excited.
The process of personal belonging elimination began today, wow do I have a LOT of stuff.  It is sad to say goodbye to the items that didn't make the cut, but on the other hand I feel a little weight lifted every time I say goodbye to a material item and strip down to the bare bones of reality. I shroud myself in the material, allowing myself to believe that someday some item of tangibility will bring me happiness and peace of mind, and only through this cleansing of sorts am I realizing exactly what this curtain I live behind is really made of.  I find myself increasingly overwhelmed at the realization of what is happening, every time I am faced with a decision based upon this giant leap I am about to take my words are followed by a deep sigh of, well, I honestly don't know.  I am scared beyond belief, giddy from the tips of my ears to the soles of my feet, and ridiculously saddened at the thought of saying goodbye to my kitties and my mom for a year. I am not quite sure that my brain is wired for this mass of confusion, and thus I wind up feeling like I am on a carousel that just keeps spinning round and round, watching those around me get off and fulfill daily tasks while I just cling to the pony-saddled pole and keep spinning. I don't want anyone to get the idea that I am not grateful for this opportunity, and that I am not clamoring with excitement, because I am. I just need to feel my way through the necessity of the preparation before I imagine myself on a towel, by the ocean, on a beach.     

So it begins again, another blog. I have begun numerous blogs in the past with hopes high, and words on my mind, only to allow them to go unwritten and untouched.  This time around, I hope to fill this page with words and photos of travels to come, as I have been offered the chance to live and work in Australia for at least a year.  The decision came fast, and the emotions even sooner. In order to take this once in a lifetime  opportunity, I have to give up everything I know of as home.  My job of 9 years, my mother, my cats, and my town. Let me tell you however, that while I may seem a bit down about this, it needs to be done to further myself as a person. I need to break free of my comfort zone to move further as an individual. I need to travel, see beautiful places, take photos of  things that are worthy of awe. And I am not going it alone, my boyfriend of nearly four years will accompany me to Adelaide where we will reside with my sister and brother in law.  It just seems so very odd to put in my notice at Barnes & Noble where I have been since the store was literally built, to kiss my mothers forehead and say goodbye for a year or so, as she has been my rock my whole life, and to hand my fur babies (yes, I just said that) off to another home (my boyfriends mom will care for them while we are away). These things that hold me here are outnumbered however by the endless possibilities that may lie thousands of miles away. So as I sit here and type, my hopes once again are high, this blog, if everything pans out will become something for me to look back on years from now and marvel at how far I have come.